It was the morning of May 3, 2009, at 3:30 in the morning. I woke up and went to the restroom as normal and when I returned to bed something was not right. I looked at my husband of almost 19 years and he was not breathing. It was at that moment that I realized that he was cold and stiff. He had left me in the middle of the night and he was in fact no longer in this world.
I walked through the following few hours in a very methodical haze. I called the paramedics, I called my parents, I called my pastor and his wife, and I called work to say I would not be coming to work that day. It was a couple of days before my birthday and my husband is dead and I am all by myself. The overwhelm of that situation was taking over fast and I had no idea how to recoup myself.
The next few days I methodically took care of Larry. I made sure that he was taken care of properly. His funeral arrangements and burial arrangements were taken care of in great detail. My complete focus was to make sure that he was honored for the wonderful person he had been to me. He had given me a wonderful life and had loved to so that I could learn to love myself. I never really loved me until this wonderful man taught me to love me.
We had talked about the fact that his health was failing and that I would have to face life by myself again and it hurt so much to lose someone that believed in me so much. I was so thankful that the night before I had laid in his arms and told him I loved him. He had prepared me for the day that I would be without his presence, but it was harder than I thought it would be. It took about three months to get everything completed. There is so much paperwork and follow up to do when someone leaves you.
I kept holding on to the wonderful memories that we had and I made a memory book for myself to remember the wonderful years together, but I was so young and the loneliness of being by myself after 19 years was consuming me. His son has given me a wonderful gift when he told me that I had treated and taken care of his dad so well that I needed not to feel guilty when it was time to move on with my life and find someone else. You are young and you deserve to have someone else in your life. I told him it was way too soon, but that very act, though I didn’t realize it then, set me free to consider what life would be like without Larry and the possibility that I could share my life with someone else.
A few months later I decided to try dating and within a couple of months. Michael Hudson came into my life with his kindness and warmth. His willingness to accept me and love me through this loss in my life without judgments helped me to fall in love with him. He met me where I was at and he made me understand that I was lovable.
It made us laugh at how God had such a sense of humor when he put us together because Michael was obsessed with the newspapers and I was in the newspaper business. So I know that he loved it when I brought him into the back doors of the newspaper business. He even came to work to propose to me in front of all the people who had held me and loved me through the loss of Larry and the beginning of my relationship with Michael. It would be those same friends and love and support that would be there for our wedding, then taking the buy out and starting a new life and then the loss of Michael to cancer just three years after we were married.
Those friends came and supported me and I will never forget them. The love and compassion that having them put their arms around me and tell me how much I meant to them. I will never be able to express the love that I felt in that time of my life for the people that came and supported me.
But here I was again, lost and abandoned, through no fault of my own. I kept telling God that I would accept this and not blame Him. I knew he had to have a lesson and a plan, but I was completely devasted and I could not move. I was paralyzed and had no idea had to recapture my life.
I spent the next two years of healing. I was so broken and stuck inside. I was so shut down and unwilling to reach out. Don’t get me wrong. People didn’t know how hard I was suffering inside. I was trying to heal, but I just withdrew from life. I pretty much just did what I had to do. I even looked like I was living a normal life. I wasn’t going to let anyone know that I was not OK. I put on a brave face and went through each day, but I had lost my purpose for living so I was going through the motion.
After two years I was beginning to feel like I was ready to possibly be in another relationship, so I decide to go on Match and totally fell in Love with another Michael for goodness sakes. Surely this was what God had in store for me. The first few months were amazing, then things started to go badly. He started pushing me to try and find a purpose in my life again. He saw that I was just flopping in the wind and was lost. He thought that the solution was having a job. So I went back to work, but of course, that was a disaster. I hated it. I took it to make him happy, but neither of us was happy and I had to leave it in a year.
It was at that point that I started my journey to rediscover me and what I needed and wanted out of life. It started with this Mastermind that really just overwhelmed me and tried to send me in the wrong direction. It was all about making money and how your mindset determines how much money you can make. Seeing that I have never been about Money that did not work for me, but in that process of feeling overwhelmed and not knowing how to position myself to overcome all the loss, I had in the past. I had this amazing revelation that I needed to start a Gratitude Journey so in the fall of 2017 I started my Gratitude Journal and Personal Growth Journey. I made a commitment to myself that for the next 40 days I would spend 10 minutes on Gratitude and time in Personal Growth every morning.
It was in this Journey that the transformation began. I began to see some major shifts in my mindset and I was beginning to discover me again. Things just kept opening up to me. I was not sure what was happening, but it was making me shift and I knew it. It was also causing some issues in the relationship. I wasn’t even sure if this was where I wanted to be anymore, but I stuck it out because I knew I needed to learn some lessons and they were coming through this relationship.
In March of 2018, I had this idea to create a journal for other people to start their journey of self-discovery since I was having so many amazing doors that were opening and I wanted other people to take the time to start a journey of self-discovery for themselves. My business coach recommended that I submit the journal to their publisher and I did. They accepted it. I couldn’t believe that something I created they would want.